So there I was sitting in the waiting area naked except for the blue surgical gown I had wrapped around me. I was sitting on a stiff wooden chair as they had forgotten to bring my bed with me to the operating theatre. I had on these ridiculous plastic slippers that were about ten sizes too big. I watched the Czech Flag flutter in the wind outside next to the European Union one. They looked like friends fluttering in the wind together but I knew deep down the Czech Flag wanted nothing to do with it’s EU counterpart.
I was waiting to go into the operating room and undergo a procedure called a Coronarography. It doesn’t sound too bad when you hear the name but when the doctor first started explaining the procedure my face turned white and my insides twisted into a tight knot. Basically it involves putting a wire into the leg (or as I found out later – the arm) all the way up the artery and into the heart. Once there it will pump small bursts of liquid into the heart which are visible on an x-ray machine and via this method the doctor can see what the blood vessels in your heart are like. So there I was, 35 years old sitting on a chair nervous as anything waiting to go into the operating room for this procedure.
Then a pretty nurse (typical) comes into the waiting area and calls me into the operating theatre. I walk into the surprisingly large room with the surgical cloak wrapped tight around me. The nurse smiles at me sweetly and asks me to get up onto the bed. Now what I neglected to mention up until this point was that previously in the morning I had to shave my whole groin area completely bald in the eventuality that the doctor would have to enter the wire via my leg (groin area). Once I was laying on the surgical bed two more female nurses appeared and then they asked me to take off the gown. I hate this kind of situation. I know its all in the name of your health but its still weird to get naked in front of people – I don’t care if they are nurses or not. And its especially weird when you are clean shaven all below. But I knew it was inevitable so I reluctantly discarded my rope.
And its especially weird when you are clean shaven all below.
So there I am lying naked on this bed staring straight at the ceiling – avoiding all eye contact, bald as a badgers ass just wishing for this procedure to get started. (Well actually secretly I was hoping they would suddenly say the whole procedure is unnecessary but obviously that never happened). The pretty nurse casually asks me “Where are you from?” as she shifts my bald balls into a different position. I reply “From Portsmouth” pretending its perfectly normal to speak to a complete stranger who you have known for all of three seconds to be playing with your balls. She then quickly mutters something about “This may sting a little…”. I’m really trying to escape the whole experience by pretending I am laying on a beach somewhere in Greece. I am failing miserably at this objective when the nurse applies some disinfectant solution to the recently shaven area of my groin. I am suddenly snapped seriously back to reality! Oh boy does that sting!! I thought she had released a swarm of burning ants onto my balls and they had really sharp teeth and were famished! I scream out more from shock than anything and the nurse peers up and asks “Are you alright there?”. “Fine!” I manage to get mutter through clenched teeth. This is by far the worse moment of the whole experience. I mean the doctor injecting the wire into my arm artery (yes thats right, the doctor didn’t even go through my groin area in the end!) pales into insignificance in comparison to the pain of my balls.
Anyway, I am pleased to announce the procedure went through successfully without a hitch, thanks to the very skilled surgeon, and the results were good. But I learned a valuable lesson… shave your balls well in advance of any potential operation around them! Trust me on this one men.
All the best, till next time – look after yourself.